Okay, Pisces new moon? Cue the freakishly accurate and mind-blowing synchronicities that I've been too busy focusing on the details to notice.
In my very Aries Moon in the third house ruled by Mercury way, I was journaling this morning as a ritual. I said (more like channeled) something quite magical...
“I am abundance, a measure of the pure potential of the Universe. I am Universal potential squished into this body. To think I am small, to doubt my worth is to discount the Universe; its strength, divinity, and wildest and most authentic manifestations. Loving my divine self in this human body is a journey closer to love, closer to purpose, closer to infinite abundance. My doubts are safe, but they are human, and I can love those parts of me too.”
Boom--head exploded, game over. Close the journal and cool off after that one because PHEW. So what do I do next? I impulsively open my phone and try to mindlessly scroll until I see Deja The Jovian's dancing-in-pink Pisces new moon reel, reminding me that "WAIT! Cusp has horoscopes!". (hello astrology brand-mentor but also just fantastic human)
So what do I open my Cusp app to find? This:
“Why would you ever feel you should allow yourself to be undervalued and compromised by the people who get to experience you? This time, you are choosing yourself. You are a mark of God itself.” LOL
Recently, I've been struggling a lot with scarcity--scarcity of pocket, heart, and belief. It's a theme that has come up a lot in therapy for reasons we don't need to touch on. Maybe it's the activation of my 2H chart ruler Saturn in Pisces, or perhaps it's Saturn crossing over my Ascendant.
My therapist quite literally had to stop me during my hour of crying yesterday. She said, "it seems like you're stuck in this scarcity spot, which is so real, and I can imagine how scary these changes feel. But not believing there's more out there for you? Being scared there isn't enough love? Jess, you are capable of SO MUCH. You CAN NOT take responsibility for other people's emotions or responses to your needs."
And so the unfolding begins.
Last night I read the beautiful Tarot for Change (that I re-picked up on a whim before hearing Kirah and Kendra mention Jessica Dore on the TheStrology episode about loving your life). As I get ready to enter a new phase of the stages of change model (thank you, Jessica), all of my Saturn square Sun fears about not being enough kicks up. Dore’s chapter on The Star felt like the cooling, balm-like waters my Aquarius rising needed:
"It is not at all wrong for a person with a track record of not having their needs met to have a hard time believing that, one day they will...In a very real sense, a lack of hope can be seen as adaptive, protective, and wise...At the very least, perhaps the Star can be an invitation to all those having a hard time with hope to give themselves grace around why that is. Grace in practice looks like reminding yourself that it isn't your fault if hope feels hard, and that odd as it may sound, hopelessness may have actually been the thing that protected you all these years."
Next, she touches on the Moon with these beautiful words:
"To know something for certain is the psychic equivalent of building a wall against anything that could challenge that knowledge...Knowing can expand what we see as possible, but it can also be like a box we settle into where we unconsciously defend against our own growth."
*cue memory of my therapist mentioning it seems like I'm trapping myself in this self-contained box where I can't move because I "don't know" what's next, but that not-knowing keeps me there*
I wanted to start my newsletter on a “happier” note when I feel just expansive and utterly sure of my capacity. Instead, I’ll start it here: honesty. Walking your path is scary and complex; the not-knowing feels threatening, especially to the delicate inner parts that trust you not to abandon them. Hope can feel challenging, but the weight lifts once you soften around it.
I sit at my computer, unsure of what to say. And I opened my email to see the start of Captolia’s newsletter, The Underworld, named after her emo first home in the internet phase on AOL.
I'm thinking about my AOL account now:
pinkjuicy13 - because I loved pink and I wanted a Juicy jacket like the cool girls SO BAD, and I didn't know that creepy guys would randomly find my AIM account, lol
(which now seems very Fifth House Fun astrology brand catered towards opening up to juicy pleasure and creative practice as healing and community care with Venus conjunct Mercury in Gemini in the 5th)
and my Tumblr account: toxic reverie (if that isn't some Aquarius rising with Saturn in Pisces as* sh*t)
I don't know what comes next, and I'm okay with that. But as Dore alludes to, the not-knowing is the magic of the Moon. Pisces shows us this medicine with its boundlessness. To know is to restrict possibility within that knowing. Sometimes, our minds can’t possibly comprehend what comes next….and that’s its own protection.
Jupiter, ruler of Pisces, traveling with this new Moon, teaches us this repeatedly. We never truly know a thing. Because to honestly know, we have to be comfortable knowing that knowledge changes, morphs, shifts, flows. The only thing we can know is that anything is possible.
I want my astrology practice to grow, yes, so now I start. I trust the not-knowing because maybe if I knew, I’d restrict the possibility. I can trust that I’ve done the internal work diligently and that this once, the Universe sees that. I can trust that I have support.
So I let myself dream of the possibilities...
I dream of wrapping my arms around Astrology friends beaming with joy from the level of care this community puts out into the world. (1:11:11 pm, lol)
I dream of meeting with clients who are unsure of themselves and just want more internal access to delight.
I dream of playful community spaces where I get to laugh with others and lead them through creatively processing the planets in collaborative devotion.
I dream of gifting free readings to women and queer people, especially single parents and young-parent families.
I dream of collaborating with geniuses on podcasts, learning from juicy conversations that drip with creative abundance.
I dream of taking an infinite level of astrology courses because it's f*cking fun.
I dream of a future where I am SO embodied that I show my siblings through my life that any of their desires are possible.
I dream of a world where lousy sh*t doesn't happen. Everyone has their needs met and has access to healing, and if that's too much, then I dream of a world where we can hold each other in a network of care and support that is so expansive it makes me cry.
Until next time, thanks for reading. xoxo Jess
Mentions:
Deja The Jovian - BOOK A MENTORSHIP OR LITERALLY ANY OTHER READING WITH HER
Kirah - IF YOU CAN, ALSO BOOK A READING WITH HER…But also just watch everything she puts her heart into creating. This New season of TheStrology Show is brilliant.
Episode mentioned: Loving your Life with Kendra Austin
Jessica Dore - Truly a blessing to this planet. I’ve yet to finish Tarot for Change, but damn it’s changing my life day by day. It’s such a powerful integration point of spirituality, the work of therapy, and the heart of the Tarot. A gem. A million thank yous wouldn’t be enough. A proud new subscriber, you have.
Tarot for Change: Using the Cards for Self-Care, Acceptance, and Growth. Dore - Penguin Books, Limited - 2021. Pages 103-109.
Thank you for reading, for listening, for being alive, for just breathing. Your presence is felt and so appreciated. I hope to see you again soon.
Okay, Pisces new moon?